Inner View

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Just something I wrote back in September 2010. Found it on the drafts and dont know if Ive ever posted this before. This was my view of SLE three months or so after I was diagnosed. Will write comments on a different post.

Unofficially three months on medication, so here's a take two on my stress-induced medical life. This is a take two because the last time i wrote, it was all a blur in my head.

It started back during my college years when i occasionally felt a tingling or pain in my legs. I would associate it with classrooms being airconditioned to unbearable temperature so i thought it was just that, right? I saw myself as a healthy and active person, actually. Compared to most people my age, i was spending my time outdoors, or going to the province (where the beach and the sun loves me) and was always game for any kind of sport.

What was unusual though was that I sleep an awful lot after an activity (which i categorized as narcolepsy, then i am wrong i think). I will sleep for at least 12 hours sometimes reaching 48 hours. I will sleep in all places possible I get my head down. Or I was always low in energy. For some reason i don't know, I just thought that it was just me. My personality, laid back and chill.

So after a prologue. Last April, after an outing with some friends, I noticed how that pain in my legs never started to heal as it should. It would usually only take a day and it will be fine but after that time, I wasn't able to walk properly at all. For a week. This isn't normal anymore. I was also having high fever during night time, extreme abdominal pain, headaches, heart pains and my body was aching all over. I couldn't write even. I thought i was dying (because i was giving up on life back then, emotional stress is a deadly trigger!) We were going back and forth to different doctors that can't pinpoint what my problem is. I thought i probably just need a psychiatrist because every test says I'm alright, so i don't get what's wrong.

Then several lumps on my neck. Had it checked and operated to test for cancer, turned out negative. But after that, things got worse,, hypersensitivity issues. I cried for weeks because i felt like being burned alive, added to the fact that my grandpa was sick the same time as I am.. so for family priorities, he has to be confined and I was to stay home and take care of myself.

So it wasn't cancer but they are still there and won't go away. My brain was collapsing. I couldn't think straight. I was hallucinating about creation and the theory of relativity and quantum physics. Mandalas. Genesis. taxonomy. I was going nuts! I can't draw a proper human figure, what more, a proper circle. After another test (Anti-DSDNA) i got a major bingo! It turned out positive and I was assessed with systemic lupus erythematosus. Something rare and unusual. Lupus what? An auto-immune disease which i roughly translate as something as the self attacking itself. I was my own enemy, very appropriate!

Feeling much better now. After losing 20 pounds in a month, I gained it all back in a week. I feel like I do not own my face anymore, or my hair, or my body because it's very different from my original perception of it. Like my "essence" was completely stolen from me. Hey, maybe i really need a clean slate. Everything new. So now, im not allowed to have a real job yet, or go out in the sun forever (which i stubbornly disobey just to test myself if i can) or tire myself or be stressed physically and emotionally (because i can't take any of that literally) I wonder what's going to happen next.

I'm turning 22 in a matter of weeks. This should be a meaningful year. I need some positive reassessment of where I've gone and where I'm heading. I hate being stuck in one place it seems, so where do i go from here if the things I've known myself for is something I can't be anymore? Hmm... one thing i know for sure. I thank the people who supported me through all of this. It showed me which people are worth fighting for, who are the people that really matter. And that is enough motivation. To do things beyond yourself, still. So fight! Fight! And win :) Read more...

Sea+Food

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For the lack of a better title. Haha
Anyways, my mom and I have this certain gusto for food tripping. Some days, we would go to the side streets of Manila to indulge in cheap gastronomic delights such as siomai, turon, isaw (for my mom, I don't eat innards) and some days are like these..

We have our occasional trip on a buffet. This week, our choice was the
Crowne Plaza Seven Corners Restaurant.


One particular dish that I love was this Bouillabaisse (spell check google!)

The mixture of fish, clams and shrimp reminded me of the sun and sea. Like swimming in an ocean kind of feeling. I can't fully describe the taste, so a comparison

Like these: Bright and sunny. Very light and soothing soup dish

Or abundant fish reflected by the sunlight

The pasta marinara also delivers that kind of feel. More thicker and more flavorful
Which takes me back to these off the beaten track kind of places.
This place immediately came to mind:

Balesin Island! A bountiful island waiting to be discovered!

Or like Annawangin in Zambales, on a hiker's view. Sun-kissed with some spice. Like stepping on hot sand without slippers


Then this after-meal tea. Apple, Cinnamon and Raisin flavor.
I'm not a fan of teas. Hardly ever drink it. But this one I love.

Feels like this
Lying in the grass. Or the feel of freshly mowed grass
Or
Simply staring at the clouds passing by. Slowly.


Ive made food description more complicated, didn't I? Haha.
Well. In general, this particular food trip made me miss the beach.
Can't wait for summer to come
:)

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More on Art

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I haven't made full-blown art for a long while. I do work on small projects,, nothing portfolio-quality in my opinion. Just the stress-free non-work type. No pressure. Pure fun and passion! So here it is for the meantime. Will post more when I get the chance ♡


Oops. Attended a book signing by James Jean a month ago. I love this guy!


My glazed works at the pottery studio. Especially love the patterns!
I'm a pattern-and-texture person

And a wheel-thrown bowl. I also love how the glaze turned out. The mixture of yellow and green and a hint of blue

Also, I went to this awesome handicraft street in QC/Manila, Dapitan Arcade and found these little creatures. Cheap, ceramic white and unglazed. I couldn't fight the urge to color a few!

I love my winged creatures

I also find myself obsessing with pottery. I cant help thinking about the next piece Im going to make. I even dream about vases and bowls and abstract sculptures now! It's still a long way to go before I master this art form and Im thinking of the possibility of doing this as a fulltime career.

I do want to go abroad to study it extensively. All those little details.
The science and art of building, molding, forming
It must be pretty expensive, I know. I hope someone would fund me!
(God please, or make me win the lotto, hahaha)
Pity, the Philippines doesn't have a course/ degree on this.
A long long way to go.
A very long way to go.



That's it for now :)

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Lessons from the Mud

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Im doing more pottery this year~
After slabmaking, I went back to wheel thowing. It may look really easy, but this is hard to master. Ive had some of my clay uncentered, distorted and demolished completely to form a new one, that at some point, Im about to give up on it. But the thing about pottery is that there is beauty in imperfection. It is these mistakes that makes it a truly unique piece (and very proud to say, that you're the only one who can do that!) You see, what I've learned from the dirt in my hands is also that we learn what is right from these mistakes and that you can say, ah! this time I should do it this way. And hey, your 'mistake' is not so bad after all.

Wheel throwing has outright thought me the value of patience. We cannot rush it. It needs to be something else before it reaches its ultimate form. Everything has to be a cylinder first before it turns to a vase or a bowl or a cup. To take things at certain paces. Sometimes, when the wheel turns too fast, it would be hard to catch up and things goes out of hand. And when we turn the wheel too slow, it would be hard to pull it up. But at all times, we should take it with a gentle hand (a need of a little pressure at some point, yes, but never too hard else it does not follow). Do not be intimidated by clay and always always feel that we are in control.

Ah things I learn from the mud pit. Very interesting life lessons, dont you think?

And at the end of the day,
we may be covered with mud and sweat,
but we are enlightened.

Oh and if you would also like to learn pottery, you can visit this link

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Another New Year Post

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1. God has surely been on my side this year. There were lots of answered prayers. Some, I have waited for long to be heard, others were granted in an instant. I still feel dramatic when Christmas season came, but there is the thorn that has finally been removed. Sometimes, the best solution to a problem is just letting it go. Letting go of the things that destroys us.

2. Early last year, my grandma passed away. It was unexpected. Her body suddenly deteriorated and breath just disappeared out of her. It was heartbreaking for all of us but we all have to move on. We remember her always. In the food we eat, in gatherings and even at our silent moments. And we remember of how good a person she was to all of us.

3. Also, this lead me to deciding to travel and see the world. You know how God puts a balance on things. We were blessed in in other areas of life despite this emotional burden. And the thing is, we have to put to use what we have. We have to do the things we want to do. To live.

I went abroad for the first time. In Hongkong. Then Singapore. I went to familiar places. To my hometown in Polillo, to Baguio, to Manila. To other places in the Philippines. To Bohol, Iloilo, Bacolod, Davao, Coron, Palawan. It was a journey. I sank myself into culture and food. In new sights. In new people. In breathing unfamiliar air. Just being in the moment. Just living. Everything else didn't matter. At first, I didn't have a budget for it. But God provides. He really does. It is quite an achievement for me to be able to spend my own money for my trips. I may be bankrupt now, but I am happy and I know, God will provide yet again. And that my heart is satisfied.

4. I also took up pottery again. The last I had was still in college, in the middle of chaos called thesis. I enjoyed it back then but the thing is, our body can only take a few at a time. This time, Im taking it more seriously. I rediscovered my love for mud and dirt. This is my catharsis. This is my way of healing, in forming new things from the abstracts of soil. Im enjoying myself with this. Maybe I have found my artform. I have found myself in transforming clay.

5. Im almost back to my physical self. I'm still a few pounds above my regular weight but it doesn't matter anymore. I recognize my face in the mirror again. Haha. Seriously, sometime I'm going to post my old photos. The transition has been gradual but it came back to the way it was without any help from diet or exercise. How can life be so unpredictable?

Im still taking medications. By next check-up, we'll find out the test results if I'm still positive of SLE. I remember this time years ago, I still don't know what is going on, I wouldn't be able to stand up. I was in bed most of the time. But here I am. Still a sleepyhead but with more energy! I can go cycling now and lift heavy things. And go for walks. Sometimes, I test myself if the sun won't get me and absorb its heat... and nothing happens! If anyone can relate on how liberating that is for me!

6. I'll PROBABLY go back to work this year. I'm still conflicted when it comes to this matter. I remember before, a professor once asked us whether we choose health over career. I didn't give it much thought then. But it seems to be my zeitgeist at the moment. How can one even decide at my age? I want to accomplish a lot of things, still. I want to know how it's like to burn yourself in a 9to5 job, to commute to work, to have officemates, to have a 13th month pay, to be promoted. The joys and woes of the corporate world. But is it possible? Hmm.

7. But on the other hand, I also want to do more traveling this year. To farther places! Honestly, I haven't shut out the idea of working abroad. Maybe. Hopefully. I want to see new things, still. There are always new discoveries wherever you go. And life will always be exciting!


So there~
Cheers to a hopeful new year!
Cheers to bigger dreams and a grand life!

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A personal post on the soon end of the year.

2011 has been all things. The drama, the joy.
But more, it was to live life with all I got
To experience

I have to admit, it started rather melodramatic. I was still unsure where this illness I have was leading me. I wasn't back to my original self (but do we grow if we remain?). I did have self-pity. Not being able to work on a normal job. Or not doing work at all. Of being unproductive. My days were spent at home alone taking care of two old people. That by early this year, one unexpectedly passed away. That was when I realized that hey, I should be doing what I want to do. What am I waiting for? It did matter that I wasn't able to walk or write or draw before. I was scared that it will happen again. But God, I didn't lose my limbs. And I didnt die

I haven't realized it much before,,
that I am pretty much capable of doing the things I love
I have all the time in the world and I slept through some
But I knew to make good use of the rest of it.
My heart belonged to a few things.
Travel, art and service
Ive exhausted my previous years to serving others.
Now it was time so serve myself.
I traveled like Ive never traveled before. Around the country
To places I havent been and places I want to go back to
Ive made art and found my calling in moulding dirt
I feel so much alive.
Growing, discovering.
Being.
And only being at the moment

And I wonder if it ends with the year.
Everything changes but nothing is truly lost
Still thank you

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